Yes, I Resent You Sometimes

Let’s get real. Really real. Let’s talk about resentment. And while I may talk about it in a form that applies to me, everyone feels resentment about someone or something in their life.

Resentment is defined as the foundation of hatred. It is comprised of fear, sadness, bitterness, anger, disgust and my favorite “the perception of injustice.”

That last one hits hard. The perception of injustice. Injustice is defined as something that is not fair.

Situations happen that we do not expect, think we should have to go through, or experience. Personally, I resent my husband for his job sometimes. Yes, that makes me selfish but I told you we are going to get real.

Some days I hate the military. I hate that I can’t be with my husband. I hate even more that we aren’t even being fairly compensated for this 9 month deployment and he’s not getting the benefits he deserves! We already sacrifice so much so why should we have to sacrifice finances too? I hate hearing other women complain about their husbands being on a 3 day business trip. I hate that I never get to be with my family. I hate that I miss out on weddings, birthdays and special events. I hate that this life makes me feel so lonely sometimes. I hate that every time I start to feel comfortable in a place, its all ripped away and I have to start from scratch. I hate that whenever I am applying for a job, I always have to start from the bottom of the pay scale. It doesn’t matter what my level of education is, I will never be taken seriously because I can’t work at a place for more than 3 years at a time. As soon as I am there long enough to earn bonuses and incentives, they all get taken away. Working is not even worth it when you are grossly underpaid. I hate that I feel bad for not working or contributing financially so I still find ways to work. Then I feel bad for only bringing home $142.53 a month after paying for childcare, gas and food. Then I feel bad for spending all that time away from my kids just for an extra $142.53. It’s never ending. I hate raising my babies without their dad. I hate feeling like I fail every single day no matter how hard I try. I could find 1001 reasons why I resent this life and so could very other military spouse.

The #1 reason we feel resentment towards our husbands is for the time spent apart and the overwhelming amount of JOBS we are left with the day they step on the plane. Things like: getting a Power of Attorney for like…. everything, paying all of the bills, canceling insurance on everything he owns since he won’t be using it, learning how to change air filters in the house, refilling the water softener, plumbing, electric, being a housekeeper 24/7 ( which my house is actually much cleaner when he’s gone), mowing the grass, doing all of the yard work, all of the chores, taking the babies to doctors appointments and unexpected hospital visits then turning around two days later and taking yourself to the hospital. Learning how to change a tire alone, jumping your car, returning a washer because its been recalled and it could explode in your house at any moment. You become the jack of all trades purely for survival and it’s stressful. Somewhere in all of that you are supposed to find time to do things for YOU? Like take a nice relaxing bubble bath with a glass of wine while reading your favorite book? No, that would be a dream…. In reality, I just want 5 minutes to go to the bathroom by myself without any interruptions OR just to be able to finish the sandwich I made for lunch, and also a few chips…and maybe some of the pomegranates rotting in the corner because I haven’t had time to peel those either.

A 9 month deployment is a lot to handle alone with two babies. I do have days where I feel angry, bitter and sad…. mostly when both of them are crying. One needs to be changed, the other needs to be fed, as soon as that one eats the other is hungry and then the one that just ate pees their pants. Then while you’re changing that baby, you find that the other dunked the entire roll of toilet paper into the toilet water and you toss baby #1 in the middle of the bed as you try to dive into the bathroom in time to swat the roll out of your son’s hands before it goes into his mouth. While you’re washing his hands you realize baby #1 is still on the bed with no clean diaper because you didn’t get to finish wrapping her up and walk in to find she has pooped all over her clothes.

THIS IS REAL LIFE! Literally it happens every day. It’s times like this when I could throat punch my husband for not being here. THIS is not what I thought I signed up for!

Every military wife has that thought, right? It can’t be just me…

?…Nooo….?

YES, they do! Everyone has thought it at least once. Then you snap back to reality because you know that this IS what you signed up for… sometimes it’s just not fair. We accepted these terms and conditions when we said I DO. It may or may not have been in the fine print of future scenarios that we never imagined could happen, but we did commit to this life. It is not for the weak hearted.

What’s even worse is when you FaceTime your husband to vent about all of it and find out that he just got back from the gym, had dinner, and his biggest problem for the rest of the night is deciding whether or not he should start a new series on Netflix or play the new video game he just bought. All while your home struggling to stay above the freaking waves and trying not to drown.

I’ve been feeling resentment a lot lately. The whole reason I moved home was so I could have help. I’ve had less help than I thought I would, than I was told I would, but I am grateful for the ones that are helping. I really wanted to be home so I could have time to coach lacrosse again, maybe work once a week just to get out of the house, go back to CrossFit and attempt to lose two years of baby weight… but as the days go by it’s getting harder and harder. The thrill of us being home has become a thing of the past and everyone still has their own lives to manage. I can’t expect everyone to drop everything for me for 9 months so I can do what I want for a change. My parents have been so helpful, they watch the babies for me every night so I can go workout and my in laws have taken great care of our German Shepard for us. Sometimes I just wish that THEY had more help.

I started this new devotional called Faith Deployed and today’s devotion is called Conquering Resentment.

Phillipians 2:3-4  “Do nothing from selfish or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interest of others.

Whoa, talk about a reality check.

I want to share a paragraph from this devotion that really stood out to me.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss points out that no matter who we are (or what our husbands do for a living), we will always have unfulfilled longings on this side of heaven (Romans 8:23). “It is important to understand that our inner longings are not necessarily sinful in and of themselves,” she writes. “What is wrong is demanding that those longings be fulfilled here and now or insisting on meeting those longings in illegitimate ways… The second Truth is that the deepest longings of our hearts cannot be filled by any person or thing… We just learn to accept those longings, surrender them to God and look to Him to meet the deepest needs of our hearts.” 

I have realized that it is so easy to resent and it is easy to feel like these 9 months are a monumental injustice but this time has also made me realize how truly blessed I am. Things could always be worse. Someone always has it worse than you do. My friend from work just lost her husband,at 23, to a FREAK accident on the weekend they were celebrating their anniversary. She just had a baby weeks before I had Lily. Talk about injustice? There have been countless service members killed in accidents over the past few months and those wives are now without their husbands and those children without their fathers. I have friends my age who are battling cancer. I have friends my age who have children battling cancer. I have friends who are losing their parents and other family members daily.

Yes, life without my husband is hard. He’s my best friend. I always knew he was an amazing teammate but not having him here has made me appreciate him even more. I didn’t realize how much I truly rely on him everyday. Part of me is also thankful he is gone because it has made me dig deeper into my relationship with God and it has also helped my husband grow closer to God as well. Sometimes Clay doesn’t understand why he is there. I do trust that God has a plan for him though. He is there for  reason. He tells me stories of how he gets to be a champion for Christ and his plans to start a bible study. I’m not surprised by any of his plans though. He is a great leader at work and in our home. He thinks his time there is of no value but if my husband can lead one person to Christ, if he can save one living soul, the time apart is worth it. When God calls you to the other side of the world to bring his people home, you listen and you obey. It’s not about us, it’s about God’s work. Nothing makes me more proud of my husband than watching him be a Godly leader. He makes me want to serve others more everyday. Watching him do his bible study every morning makes me want to be better at that too.

When we make God our primary focus, it’s impossible to feel resentment because you realize just how blessed you are. Even in the worst of circumstances, there are always things to be thankful for. There is a bigger picture that we will never understand and it’s not our job to. Our job is to listen and obey, faithfully.

I have my days where all I want to do is complain but I never go to bed without being grateful that my husband is alive, my babies, my family and myself are all healthy.  I have a support system. I have a roof over my head. We are able to feed our children. While I am home: I have a job, I do get to work out, I do get to coach lacrosse again, I do get to be with my family and friends, I get to attend more weddings, birthdays,and special events. I get to watch both of my parents enjoy their grand babies that they never get to see. I AM BLESSED.

Yes, I resent you sometimes. I resent the hard things that come along with this life we have chosen to live. That makes me human and imperfect but I am also grateful for this life we live. We have something to work for, we have a God to serve faithfully. He has given us everything we need, it doesn’t matter when he needs us or why. God gives us the strength to get through the tough times. For every door he closes, he has a bigger and brighter one to open beside it. Whatever you are going through, just know that God is enough. Trust him. Feel all of those emotions that come with resentment because you are human and that’s okay… but in order to Conquer Resentment we MUST give it all to God and obey him. Let him lead. You follow. Just be content in the season of life you are in! Be thankful, for God is good all the time.

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The Best of 2016

It’s easy to forget everything that can happen in one year. Everyone can probably remember 3-4 monumental events like weddings, births, holidays, etc but sometimes the best memories can be the little things.  I COULD say that this was THE WORST year ever because Clay deployed but that would be a lie. It has been one amazing year full of so many blessings.

Every year we will face trials and challenges, but if we don’t embrace the bad then we will never learn how to appreciate the good. After all, those challenges that we endure make us better people in the end and we come out stronger than ever before… if you choose to. Ultimately, the decision is yours but I choose to embrace the GOOD, for God is good ALL THE TIME! I challenge you to look back on your year and focus on all of the blessings you have. Make new goals for 2017 and chase them hard! No dream is too big.

2017 will bring many more births, weddings and best of all, it will bring my husband home! Until then I will enjoy the next 6 months and focus on making great memories with my babies and chasing my own dreams!

Here is a look back on some of the greatest moments of 2016. Lily’s birth was by far the best day of the year!

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Went to a Wine and Painting class with friends! We need to do more of these in 2017
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We announced that we were bringing a new addition to our family.
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One of my best friends from college came to the gender reveal to surprise me, all the way from South Carolina. It was the first time anyone has ever pulled off a surprise and made me cry.
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I went to a military ball with my HANDSOME husband!
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We started building our new house!
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We attended a life long friends wedding in Texas.
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We met Kacy Cantanzaro, and Clay kicked butt at the Warrior Course at Ft. Sill.
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We went to our brother Connor’s graduation!
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We had a baby shower for Lily!
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We went to the lake with my family.
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Loved spending quality time with this guy.
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Luke enjoyed driving the boat with Grandpa
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Lots of fishing dates with my husband
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My army friends surprised me with a baby shower! They were so sweet!
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We celebrated our second anniversary and Luna’s 2nd Birthday! She was born the day we got married so we always said she was meant to be.
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I have enjoyed watching Luke grow up and getting to play with him and watch him learn. He amazes me everyday!
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We celebrated Luke’s 1st Birthday. I don’t know how that year went by so quickly…
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Moved into our new house and enjoyed many BBQs with our friends.
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I LOVED being pregnant with my sister wife, Nikki. Words can’t describe how blessed I am to have her in my life!
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My family came up to prepare for Lily’s birth and we went hiking one last time.
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Dr. Patel has become a great family friend. He delivered both of our babies and we appreciate all he’s done to keep myself and the kids alive and healthy!
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Our first picture with Lily on her birthday.
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Reid and Sarah came to visit Lily after she was born.
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We found our church home and made it official!
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My Uncle holding Lily.
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My Aunt, Uncle and cousins came up to visit us from Texas after Lily was born.
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One of Clay’s great friends from West Point came to visit from Colorado. We always enjoy his company.
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I started my business with Rodan and Fields and became successful faster than I could have ever dreamed of.
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We took one last trip home with Clay for the year. I found out my friend Avery was pregnant and it’s a girl!
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We had one last family dinner with Clay.
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Clay and I got to have one last DATE NIGHT at the North GA State Fair.
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We had a photo shoot with both of our babies! Shout out to Holly Long Photography!
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The morning of Nikki’s induction.
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Waiting for the go for AJ to meet her in the operating room
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AJ and Nikkis beautiful baby Caleb. We love him SO much!
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The worst day of the year but the best friends to be with during such a terrible time.
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Our last moments with Clay before he deployed.
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Nikki and I went with some of the other Army wives to the pumpkin patch!
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I met this amazing woman, check out COOL CAKES BY LINDSAY! She’s so talented and a great friend!
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Exercised our right to vote!
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Conquered my fears and got on a “roller coaster” with my Dad…. It may or may not have had breaks to slow down..
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Our family trip to Pigeon Forge two weeks before it burned down. We were so thankful we went when we did.
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Our annual Thanksgiving Dinner with both families
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We spent a 2nd Thanksgiving in Ohio visiting with our Grandma and Cousins! Again, something we NEED to do more often!
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Avery’s baby shower!
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I found out my big sister is pregnant! We can’t wait to meet her baby boy!
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We said yes to the bridesmaids dresses! My SIL is getting married next year
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Tree lighting with my favorite little boy in the whole world!
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Sibling pictures are something we need more of.
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Lily made a great addition to the Santa picture this year
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We ended the year strong and celebrated the marriage of one of our close friends
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Our last family photo of the year. I think we all looked perfect!
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We got our New Year’s kiss in… even if it was over FaceTime. Thank God for technology! Cheers to 2017! The year we get to be together again!

Baby Sign Language

In college I was told I had to take two years of a foreign language. I had a terrible Spanish teacher in HS and she kind of ruined my love for learning another language so I was thrilled when I found out my college offered ASL. It was different and I needed a change. I grew up with a girl who was deaf and I always thought it was so intriguing that her family and friends could communicate with their hands and through facial expressions. It’s a beautiful language and culture. We were right next to the South Carolina School for the Deaf and the Blind and we were able to work with kids of all ages from that school. They taught me so much and it was a blessing to learn from them. They can literally do everything we can do, they just have a different way of communicating.

After I finished school I never thought I would be able to use ASL again but I was wrong. I was able to give a deaf man directions in NYC on my way to visit my husband at school, I had the pleasure of signing for two deaf patients at our pediatric dentist office, I learned songs to sign in church, and I was able to teach my baby sign language!

I think the hardest part about having a new baby is the fact that they can’t talk to you and this is why they cry to communicate. Over time you learn to decipher what they mean because every cry sounds a little bit different. I’ll be honest though, I don’t like crying. I don’t think any mom LIKES crying so I told myself I was going to try everything possible to be able to communicate with Luke before he got to that extreme.  I didn’t want Luke to have to cry in order for me to get him something he needed.

When Luke was 6 weeks old, I started signing to him. I started by finger spelling his name, L-U-K-E, at least 20 times a day. The
goal was just to get him to start looking at my hands and face while I spoke to him. I would also sign the alphabet to him a few times while we were cuddling on the couch or if I was rocking him to sleep.  Luke still can’t sign his name or the alphabet but the goal was just to get him to focus on my hands.

He started taking a bottle regularly around two months. Every time myself or Clay would hand him his bottle we would verbally say “milk” one time and followed by the sign for milk (open and close your hand as if you were milking a cow) and then give it to him. EVERY time he had a bottle, BOTH of us did this. Now he was learning to associate the sign “milk” with the action of drinking milk.

Around 6 months he signed milk back to us for the first time. We were very excited. Most articles I read said not to even bother starting with them until 6 months and you could expect them to sign back around 9 months to a year. I knew in the deaf community that babies had been signed to from birth because that is their ONLY form of communication if they are completely deaf. They do not have vocal cues at all. I thought if deaf babies can sign at 6 months or sooner then hearing babies were capable also. It comes down to consistency. As long as you work on it with your child every day, they will pick up the signs.

Luke is now 16 months and not only is he talking, he can sign: milk, more, water, eat, please, thank you, tired, yummy, finished, and dog. He can give high fives, blow kisses and nods yes and no. We have much more to learn and it has been relatively easy to teach him, it’s just a matter of remembering to do it! I’m looking forward to the first day Lily signs back to me but until then I will keep signing to her.

It’s been a blessing to be able to communicate with Luke and I hope things will be just as easy with Lily. It has, in my opinion, significantly cut down on tantrums and tears and helped my husband and I develop a more intimate relationship with our son.

We haven’t used any magic books or TV shows. Just Google some simple signs, learn them, and be consistent! Hard work pays off and the first time they sign back to you makes it all worth it.

Here are some pictures of Luke signing “Please”

(He wants some of those banana pancakes!)

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Christmas Without You

Clay,

It’s been so hard trying to experience life everyday without blindly going through the motions, especially on a day as special as Christmas. This year was really hard. It was the FIRST Christmas we have ever spent apart from each other since we started dating. I tried as best I could to stay excited for Luke and Lily and I hope they had a special day.

Christmas Eve we did some last minute shopping. I helped your mom cook and the kids were able to see Nana and Bop. They met Lily for the first time and fell in love with her. That afternoon I went to Christmas Eve service with my family at First Baptist Woodstock and I was so sad because Johnny Hall wasn’t there to sing Oh Holy Night….. I KNOW. I was shocked as were our friends the Duran’s who sat behind us as well. We agreed that Johnny singing was what we looked forward to most every year! We talked for a while after service and then went back home. Avery and I wrapped our last minute gifts, we were up really late as usual. I called you to wish you a Merry Christmas because I knew you would be going to sleep soon. I could tell you were lonely which made me hurt even more.

Christmas morning we ate some breakfast and the kids opened their presents. We called you so you could watch them over FaceTime. Lily and Luke both received many toys and clothes. Luke’s favorite gifts were all of his cars! He just kept playing with them instead of opening the rest of his presents. Lily’s favorite gift was definitely the pink giraffe I got her ( *cough, cough* I mean Santa). She has been cuddling it for the past two days. My favorite presents were my Kate Spade back pack and wallet, my new cake turn table and the Tile your Mom gave me so I can find my keys when I lose them… daily! Then we went to your house to open gifts. Luke got some pretty awesome toys there too. He got one of those seats that you sit on and spin yourself around until you get sick. He got a hammer and table set, more cars, AND his first pair of light up shoes! No, they don’t squeak thank God. *haha* Lily got a seat that spins with toys on it for her to play with, clothes, and a new bath tub because your Mom loves giving them baths. 🙂

I bought your mom an 18ft tunnel to go with the agility course your Dad built for her and Luna. Luna is getting really good at it too! I gave your Dad a gift card to Cabelas and he seemed happy to add that to his yearly pile of gift cards from the family! Everyone tried to overload your packages with beef jerky because we know that is your favorite snack. We promised that we would make next Christmas the best one yet for you.

We ended the night at my house for our annual family Christmas dinner and we were so happy to have Nathan’s family join us for the first time! It’s nice to have everyone come together. We played Apples to Apples again and called it a night pretty early. Everyone was tired.

When we went to bed, we all sang Happy Birthday to Jesus and thanked God for sending his son to save our souls. We also thanked him for all of our blessings. I tried to remind myself that even though you are away, we really are truly blessed. This time is just a blink  relative to the eternity we will have in heaven. You may not be with us BUT you are alive and safe, that’s all that matters.

Sometimes I catch myself wishing that time would go by fast after the New Year because it feels like such a crappy year but then I think about everything we were blessed with in 2016! Our two biggest accomplishments being our beautiful new house we just built and our precious baby girl that joined our family. 2016 has been a good year. 2017 will be even better when you return and we can start making memories again together. I’m so sorry you had to spend this day alone without us. I’m sorry your friends had to spend this day without their families as well but rest assured you were thought of. Many people are praying for you guys. Many are thankful for your service and everything you are doing to protect our country. Your sacrifices do not go unnoticed. You are our hero. We love you so much and we are so grateful to have had you with us on Christmas Day, even if it was through a phone.

My heart hurts thinking about how many more months we have to spend apart. I can’t help but cry when I realize that we are only 1/4 of the way through this deployment but I have to find strength. I find it in Christ, your love for me, our babies, AND imagining that perfect day in July when we get to run into your arms again. We miss you and love you more than you know. Merry Christmas Clay! Next year will be better. I promise.

Forever and Always,

Brooke Lauren Rutherford       xoxo

See our Christmas video HERE.

 

Watching him walk away..

As an Army wife, you learn to cast feelings aside and you find strength in places you could have never imagined. With that comes the harboring of emotions so it is good to “let it out” every once in a while. This post will help me re-live some of those bitter-sweet moments surrounding Deployment Day.

The day Clay left, I felt like my world had fallen apart. Clay is the BEST teammate. We work so well together. Our friendship, business relationship, spiritual relationship and intimate relationship has always been so easy. Where one of us is weak, the other is strong and we have always been able to pick up the pieces for each other to make this perfect puzzle. We have our flaws, don’t get me wrong. Marriage takes hard work and patience. Generally though, life seems effortless as long as we are walking through it together.

Clay’s favorite hobby is fishing so the day before he left we decided to go fishing as a family. We’ve been fishing many times together but that day has been one of my favorites, along the fishing date where he asked me to be his girlfriend. The weather was perfect. We sat and watched Luke run up and down the dock with the sunset behind him. Clay taught him how to feed the fish with an old bagel that he brought. He loved throwing the bread into the water and occasionally he would tear off a piece to try and share with his 2 month old sister. When the sun went down and we had to leave I knew that was a picture I wouldn’t get to see again for a while so I soaked in every second of Clay kissing our baby girl on the forehead and watching Luke ride on his shoulders all the way back to the truck. The drive home was quiet. The babies fell asleep and neither of us really knew what to say to each other. I think we just wanted to be still, in the silence of it all. We knew what was coming but we just wanted to be, together.

We got home and watched a couple episodes of House of Cards to finish out the last season. At night our favorite thing to do is either lay in the hammock together on the back porch in the breeze as the beautiful Oklahoma sun sets over our fence OR we lay on opposite ends of the couch and give each other foot rubs as we watch TV. We chose the second that night so that he could hold our babies and put them to sleep one last time. Luke lives for his daddy so every second of cuddle time means the world to him. It hurt my heart watching him lay Luke down that night to pray with him. Our routine is very special to us so I know held tight to that memory too.

By this time it was 11 PM and Clay had to wake up at 2 AM so we decided to just pull an all nighter. We took a bath then stayed up and talked all night. We had a genuine and complex conversation and it was nice to get to know each other on that level again. We become so absorbed by day to day life that its easy to just get lost in it all. I wish we took the time to talk like that with each other more often. We both ended up falling asleep for a short time but I remember just fixing my eyes on his face, examining every feature while running my fingers through his hair. Kind of like when you hold your children and gaze at them while they’re sleeping. When you love someone that much, you love and appreciate every part of them. I wondered, will I forget what he feels like? The warmth of his skin. Holding his hand and feeling an odd sense of protection because it swallows mine. His giant bear hugs that make me melt. His kisses, the ones that make the world disappear. I didn’t want to. I promised myself I wouldn’t forget so I soaked it all in. Every bit of him.

2 AM came too soon. Our son was so angry when we put him in the car. Clay just stood there and held him for the longest time. Lily was fast asleep in her seat. The ride was silent again. The entire 20 minute drive to post I just held his hand tighter and tighter and cried harder and harder the closer we got to base. All the guys were in the parking lot hugging their families and spending their last 30 minutes together. Lots of hugs and kisses, and holding the babies. The final call came for them to shut the gates and Clay had to leave. I just wanted one more kiss and one more hug… but I didn’t want it to be the last so I kept begging for more. Finally he let go of my hand and watching him walk away made my heart fall to pieces. I looked across the parking lot and saw my best friend Nikki standing there with her 6 day old baby and thinking it wasn’t fair. All of the special moments in those first weeks, in the first year they couldn’t experience together. Same with us and our two month old. Nikki’s mom came over hugged me tight as I cried in her arms. It was nice to have her there since my mom couldn’t be.

One thing I knew for sure as I got back in the truck was how lucky I was to have a great group of women to call my friends. We were going to get through this together. Nikki’s mom spent the night at our house that night just so I didn’t have be alone and Nikki had her mother-in-law to stay with her. Words can’t express how that one act of kindness made me feel. As Day Zero went on I felt more at peace than I thought I would. I went to bed feeling broken and woke up with a sense of hope and motivation. I knew we had so many people praying for us and the power of prayer is a beautiful thing. God’s love is so strong and so abundant. He can carry any burden and he did for me.

I have this rule where I try to give myself a timeline to be upset. I tell myself, ” You have one week Brooke. One week to be as sad, depressed, angry and upset as you want but after that it’s time to suck it up, dust it off and move on.” If I don’t, then I let sadness consume me which causes anxiety and depression. That’s a place I never want to go back to because it’s easy to spiral into and hard to get out of.

That evening my OB, who lives in the same town, messaged me and said, “Crossfit tonight?” I didn’t plan on it but i thought, forget it, I’m going. He knew I liked crossfit and remembered me. Here it was, someone forcing me to be strong that I would have never expected to. I appreciate that motivating text. It had been 10 weeks since I had Lily and I just had my second c-section in a year so I was nervous about going back but I decided to JUST DO IT.  I walked in and I felt lonely, but encouraged. I knew that this was how I would literally gain my strength over the next 9 months. The last part of our workout was a run but I decided to row instead. I put my headphones in and rowed harder and harder… and harder…and HARDER until the tears just started flowing down my face again. My coach was so scared that I had hurt myself but it was like every bit of emotional pain I was feeling just left my body. It felt so good. Unfortunately, some turn to alcohol or drugs to fix their pain but I have chosen to turn to God and working out to rid myself of the stress I carry.

That evening was hard because Luke walked to the garage door like he does every night and said,” Dada? Dada?…” He just kept hitting the door, looking at me and pointing at it, saying his name over and over. He did this every night for two weeks until we came to GA where there is no door he is used to seeing him walk through. He is only one so he doesn’t understand where he is or why he’s gone, just that he’s missing his best friend. So I just tell him he’s not alone because I miss my best friend too.

As soon as I found out Clay had landed and he was safe, and I felt much better. I wrote down my favorite quote and taped it to my mirror the next morning so I could see it daily. People say they don’t understand how I can do it. How can I get through this time with two babies, alone? Well, many women have to. We find strength in places we could never imagine. Through Christ who gives me strength, all things are possible. He never leaves me, he never forsakes me. God is good ALL THE TIME. He has a plan and a purpose far bigger and more important than I could ever imagine or understand. I know he has a brighter future for our family, we just have to climb one more mountain to get there.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

“We either make ourselves miserable or we can make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.”- Unknown

Here’s the link to the Vlog from that dayimg_0515

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