I’m sitting on the plane going back to Oklahoma and it’s just me and my daughter. She’s now 8 months old.
My happy baby fell asleep within minutes of take-off while I’m over here shaking like a leaf on a tree. I’m trying to stay calm. I look at her fast asleep and realize how ridiculous I’m being. If she’s calm then why can’t my heart and mind be still?
I stared at her longer and started to wonder where the days had gone since she was born.
Why can’t I remember more of her hair when it was shorter and darker? Her fingers and toes being much smaller than they are now? Her laughing more?
Because my attention has been divided. It’s not something that I think I should feel guilty for. It’s natural when you have multiple children and our attention is drawn away from the other child as well but this was the main thing I worried about when I found out I was pregnant with her.
I felt the same way with Luke but for different reasons. I was pregnant with Lily and sick all the time. I was working full time into part time and my friends were gracious enough to take care of him while I worked. We were in the middle of building a new house. All of those things distracted me from my little Luke. Now he’s almost two and starting to test us more than ever before. (I know that gets worse as they get older)
He’s also getting so big, so fast and his brain is like a sponge. His vocabulary is increasing by the day. His problem solving skills, in my opinion, are pretty exceptional for a child his age. (He locked the whole family out of the house the other day.)
I wrote a few months ago about being content with my life. Especially during this “rainy” season where Clay is away. I try my best not to show the hurt because I really don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I just want them to understand that I’m going to have good days and bad days. I’m going to have bad WEEKS. I’m not perfect.
I am finding joy in being with my family and friends. I’m coaching again which is hands down by biggest passion outside of God and my home (husband and children). I can do all of this without any financial pressure because all of that is relieved with this new business. I am blessed and I am content but I’m also still very distracted.
I think I’m remembering more with Lily than I did with Luke but sometimes I feel like it’s still not enough. I’m still not giving her my best.
As much as I fear flying, I do love that it gives me a chance to disconnect and just sort through my thoughts and feelings. I spend most of the flight in prayer and then I spend the rest in reflection, starring out the window, in awe of everything God has created and kind of sickened that so much of that beauty has been destroyed by mankind. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time just to see the lands we currently live on before they were tainted by humanity. Does anyone else think that when they look out the window and see the ground below? Seriously my favorite part of my flight to Korea was going over the untouched parts of Alaska. It was breathtaking.
I know all of that sounds a little off topic but it marries well with the reasoning I’m going back home for a few days.
One of our favorite things about Oklahoma, which I hated at first, is how rural it is. There’s not much to do so instead of moving to a more populated area we did the opposite and built a house out in the country far away from everything.
I love that we go to a church where we see the same people every week.
I love that it’s a safe community.
I love that I have cows in my backyard.
I love that there’s lots of road with so little traffic that we can safely go on walks.
I love that my closest friends are nearby.
I love that I can lay on my hammock on the back porch and watch the sunrise and sunset with the constant, peaceful breeze rushing through my ears loud enough to block out my all of my thoughts.
I love watching the thunderstorms roll in from miles and miles away. The lightening always paints a beautiful yet terrifying picture in the sky.
I love that I now have a really big yard that gives me lots of space to plant flowers and have a garden. And THIS is why I’m visiting home for a few days.
We need to finish seeding the yard. I need to lay down mulch, plants bulbs, build some structures for the garden area, plant the garden, etc. I will also mention it’s my best friends’ birthday and I wouldn’t miss that for the world.
Yes, I probably could get this all done in May when I go home but nothing will grow in time to produce any fruit, and our rainy season comes and goes very quickly. Once the summer hits, it gets very hot and dry so I would love to work with nature rather than against it.
While these 5 days will also be very busy, I plan on taking this time alone with Lily to connect with her more and focus on teaching her things I haven’t been as consistent in teaching her.
As I’m sitting here, brushing the hair out of her face while she sleeps, I can’t help but get emotional. There’s so much love in my heart for her.
Its true what they say, you know? When you have more children, the love you have to give is not divided, it just grows exponentially with every child.
Like my love for my husband, it only grows stronger with time.
Just when I think I can’t fathom the concept of how big my heart can get, moments like this prove me wrong. Both of my babies are so different and I have realized that my love for them is the same but my relationship with them is different, and thats okay.
I am looking forward to using this alone time with Lily to get to know her on another level and continue to develop that special bond that I only have with her.
So what’s the hardest part about having two?
It goes by too quickly, and there’s not enough of it.
What brings me peace is knowing that although my time may be divided between both babies, my love for them will never be.